might be getting a little more grown up

so i've gotta say it's a little weird when you grow up and start to make your own Christmas traditions. Not going home this year because really...i'm at home.
it's this weird balance of really being able to take what tradtions you did as a family growing up and deciding which ones you want to keep.
i'm making christmas dinner for the whole family cause i thought i'd be nice and ambitious but i can see how it needs to get spread out every once and awhile.
i'm not gonna be typical and complain about the commercialization of Christmas and how expensive everything is...cause really if i'm buying i'm buying....i'm buying in..no right to complain there.
but it is almost crazy how much i love getting gifts. a little sick i guess. oh well.

so this christmas will be what it'll be.

first for this christmas:

being married
having chico
moving the day after
having family over
not seeing any of my family until way after
possibly being a little more grown up.


well then bring on the rum and a little bit of eggnog

one night in Zambia - Happy 25th BDay Mrs. Dreger

one night in zambia there was shift in my life
little Mrs Dreger and i were so so so alike.
the artistic flare, easily offended, outspoken and always loving like we'll never get hurt but getting burned sooner or later.
we wrote some songs together. it was always a mishmash of who was writting the words and who was writting the melody.
she's another friend i've played chicken in the game of life...she held me to what i was talking about and didn't just let my words be BS. she challenged me.
She was there when I called off my engagement
She was there when i left to hitch hike across Canada...but only made it to middle of nowhere SK.
She was there for burn out
She was there for me trying to figure out where I'm going....still working on that one
She's a perfectionist
We've loved and hated eachother....
We've traveled through Western Canada and Africa together with a little stop in Germany
She's put up with my ranting and raving
she's amazing
she's an epic woman

so Ashley after i just read your list of 25 things to do when you're 25 this is what i'm gonna say.... you can do them all. Don't stop playing piano or painting or dancing or having perfect printing!
Don't change your mind on moving to Vancouver... I personally think Kelowna would be a better choice.
I can't wait to see you again. We'll write songs again together soon. And besides that i hope I can do something else on your list with you...accept catch a fish.... I'm really not about that.
Happy 25th Birthday

love - Kayelo (how could i forget)

a bit over the top

So i think to get through this next week i'll need to go to costco and buy a case of redbull.
Somehow this time of joy, bliss and merriment has turned into insanity. i know understand a bit of the craziness why my mom would stress out and do things so far in advance. and if you're complaning because you (insert relatives names here) haven't gotten your christmas card yet....just shut up. this year i did cards and i've never done cards before. I think next year no cards. what are hand cramps good for anyways? nothing.

so we're three days from celebration...it sucks none of my family is around this year so it's me and the inlaws. good good. and yes we're moving again...why because bottom line if the jean don't fit you don't buy them or you take them home, try them on again and return them. this place didn't fit...no sleep, no privacy and no comfortability. it is what it is. now somehow in the next 4 days i need to make Christmas happen and pack us up and move. we'll be good after it's all over.

today my mom pretty much saved me and sent me a step by step how to do christmas the way our family does it along with a grocery list of what to buy. i'm pretty sure she just saved my ass.

all the best to you and yours... if you have any left over redbull send it my way

CHICO

so today we get CHICO.
Really i see how some people are seeing my excitment and giving me that look.
The what the fuck are you so excited about....it's a dog
well let me tell you...
it's been a tough year and when you have one of these an animal, a few bottles of wine and a friend can really help.
There's this inner intuition that pets have.
They know when you're feeling like crap and they don't ignore it.
It's amazing to have the unconditional love
the ear that will listen and not give you funny looks or get offended
really i want to be a like a dog...they know what they know about people
dogs are like babies....if you're scarry they don't want to be around you or they cry
i need that.
i want that inner sensor that goes off when someones gonna be a freak and be a shitty friend in the end.

anyways today we get Chico. we were there the day he was born and it's been amazing to watch him grow. this sounds crazy because he's not a child. but i love him. i can't imagine what it would be like to have children....but kids are more work
i figure since i handled a plant now i'm on my way to a dog and when i master that we'll move on to kids...one step at a time.


so please don't take my excitement as psychosis...there have been amazing things this year and terrible things too...this is another amazing. i need this year to balance out.

Bikram HOT mother effin YOGA!

i come out from work and there's D waiting for me...we're on our way to Bikram HOT mother effin YOGA!

first warning...i got to check my car and get my 'yoga gear' and somehow this morning in my bleary eyed state i picked up the wrong bag....however this one did contain my bathing suite and a towel so from what i had only seen in pictures at this point i could've fit right in. but do i really want to bare all that freaking skin/fat and fit in quite yet....NO! so at this point we're not going to give up. i call phil...wonderful husband who willing runs to walmart, buys me new workout clothes and drops them off down town where D and i had just finished our orientation***

LETS GO BACK A BIT

Ok so there are those points in your friendship where you want to try something new and one of you brings up the idea...provokes you. and if you're lucky like me...you and all of your friends are so stubborn that once you come up with the idea and say yes no matter what happens...what it looks like.....how uncomfortable you are...no ones backing down. it's like playing chicken out of love. anyways a week or so before D and i were talking about trying something new. Being active but we both wanted to try something we've never done before thinking oh God we'll never make it at the Gym.....so instead of starting at the shallow end we dive straight into the deep end of sweat. it seems harmless D finds a deal go twice a week if you've never been before for $20. we're in...not a huge financial commitment and really who would've thought too much further..... there was the scaring experience of buying tight ass work out clothes...who wants to see themselves in clothes that tight in florescent lights....not me...but i made it.

now reading the instructions it's a little erie but comeone who's gonna back out now? WHO'S GONNA BE THE CHICKEN? neither of us....

so here are the rules.....

be completely silent
focus on yourself in the mirror the whole time
hydrate alot (take half of your body weight...divide it in half and drink that many OZ of water...now some of you may be lucky but for me that was a heck of a lot of water)

so we're back....after the forgetting of the stretchy clothes fiasco, completely hydrated and an orientation of breathing excercises the instructor says something that at first listen sounds harmless but in hindsight....why didn't i over think this one?

"Make it your goal more than anything to not leave the room"

so here we go...to the change room where i haven't seen that much bottom since the bottomless party scene from Harold and Kumars escape from Gutanamo Bay...(not recommending that movie) we made it in the clothes...we make it to the room and i'm pretty sure the instructor separated us on purpose.....which i'm pretty happy about because i wouldn't have not talked if there wasn't someone between us.

So 105 degrees & 90 minutes later....our bodies have been stretched to their limits, our lungs are greatly expanded....part of it did feel peaceful....like when she tells you to stare at a fiber on your towel...that part was good. my head was pounding.....mascarra smeared everywhere, clothes soaked and feeling i'm pretty sure the most disgusting i've ever felt in my life....but we did it. we stared in the mirror....we made rediculous sounds while we breathed and at the end were shocked when everyone chanted Namaste.

leaving felt alright because we were out of that temperature...sore but not too bad....but waiting for the next day....next day was sore but ok... then there was the day after.....

i felt sick....and we were making a plan of going...then D pipes up with stories of mold in lungs and hospitalization....all the sweat on the floor....THE FLOOR WAS CARPET! When you're in there focusing on the humidity, the mirror unfortunatly and the temperature you're not thinking about the buckets of sweat thats going on the CARPET! basically it's a bacterial breeding ground.

from then the discion was pretty clear that we were never going back......

voices of the female persuasion

Alright so here is my list of Lady voices i'm loving lately....

Kate Nash
Rachel Yamagata
Adele
A Fine Frenzy
Leslie Feist
(Chan Marshall) Cat Power
PJ Harvey
Laura Viers
Keren Ann
An Horse
Coco Rosie


So there for today are just a few. If there are any you haven't heard of listen to them... and if there are any for me to listen to comment and i'll give it a whirl

my thoughts on 'intimacy'

so we're back to the bloc party we know and love. intimacy truly is a marriage of the silent alarm and the tracks off of it remixed by M83 & Mogwai.
this is good for bloc party because if it kept going the way of 'weekend in the city' we wouldn't be listening for too much longer. there were parts of 'weekend in the city' that i loved but too often i was reaching for the next button.
so welcome back.
i have missed you...

who's next?

UGGly

so the house is almost all unpacked. almost all the paintings are hung up...i still need to get pictures developed for the frames that have the faces in that they came with but pretty much things are pulling together. things are good...so here are a few of my favorite things as of late...

university online radio stations
parking wars
most things in a tortilla...honestly it just tastes better this way
the fact that i know that even though there are now UGG hats... they're UGGly
having a set schedule
an awesome husband with a relentless sense of humor
that phil shaved his face before no shave november was over as my going away present because he was going away...
mighty leaf tea
wolfe blass or antelope ridge
the fact that i apologize a little less now for things that aren't my fault
another chair in our living room
gift cards from our wedding which were spent on christmas decorations
CHICO was born... 4 more weeks and he's ours
being there for 3 of my closest friends as they go through this whole engagement process
being front and centre
late lunches that make the afternoon go by quickly
inspiration to paint again
friends to paint for
purple coats
hair dye in my bathroom that i need to get up the courage to use
new music
pashmina weather



there's a lot to love

now children do be warned...no buying of the ugg hats or you'll be cut off

do i think i'm god?

so tonite i'm at home by myself because phil's out of town. i'm feeling sick and i'm thinking well a little dr.mario would make me feel better.
so i set up the wii....realizing since we've moved i need to reset up the internet something or other. i do that. i think i do alright and i go to wii shop and i have to download something else or do an update....oh geez. i set up the update and it starts...but there's the little hand on the screen because i'm pointing there. do i need to keep holding it? do i keep the little hand on the screen? does it matter?

am i god...can i make these things work by just sitting there and holding the hand on the screen? after about 10 mins and not much happening....so i text my good friend zach....after laughing at me a little bit he says no. more time goes by and noting then it dies. oh well.

on the bright side i have taken cold medication and am on my way for a glass of wine

there are such things as stupid questions

do you ever feel like things that you don't do but are subject to drastically change you?
for example most days that i have here at work i feel like i'm getting drastically more stupid because of the retarded people i have to deal with. sure i'm freaking out here and now but when i'm on the phone with them or e-mailing back and forth i feel that little by little they are sucking the life out of my brain. if i really have to e-mail you back one more time telling you that i just sent you the correct invoice. i'm gonna loose it. i may have to get in my car....drive to the airport. have phil shell out the cash to buy me a plane ticket.....fly to montreal and scream in your face.

when i don't have a face to face relationship with someone....being i'm talking to them on the phone, msn or e-mails through work i always somehow imagine what these people i'm talking to look like. on the days they're nice to me, easy to get along with and not being stupid i always imagine them moderatly nicely dressed. "hair looks great...lynne", smelling good and we're good to go. then there are the days when the stupidity has over-ridden everything....the clothes are in shambles, your hair sucks and you smell. how did this happen. my nice creative pleasent imagery went from having you as someone to love to someone i really wouldn't want to go for drinks after work with.

the plesantries begin to have tone.... you know when you were in elementary and they told us all that there's no such thing as a stupid question? well that rule doesn't apply anymore. there are stupid questions so please refrain from asking them.

now that the rant is over....purpose being so that when i go home today i'm not super pissed about the people i've dealt with still.

yesterday i broke a record at work. i processed 53 orders in one day. to some of you that may not seem like a lot but it really is. by the time i was done i was ready to go home for the day. i felt like my brain had been used as a trampoline. it felt good though knowing even though i haven't been here that long that i can get it done. i wonder if i'll be bored of this fast. i'm not bored of the hours or the pay....just repetition without nice people or social interaction can be a bit tough.

that's all i've got for today...

*also - everyone one should listen to "sunset rubdown"

it's beautiful, it's ugly & it's still making music

so i've been thinking a lot lately. what heals the soul? is it time? space? business? writting? a vacation? a cleanse...oh god. for me to have the wounds of my soul it takes a lot of letting go. it takes me pushing myself beyond worrying about other people or even how i feel in that moment. we're talking about process right. when i get hurt, someone pisses me off etc etc i have to really take myself out of the situation....

so i have this 3& 1/2 ft by 5 ft canvass. it's been blotted on for awhile. today i need to spend some time with it. i need to get some things out and make some mess.

the weather outside is really how i've been feeling this last week. it's windy like crazy, kind of raining, the clouds are in and it's freaking cold. i can hear the sirens too. beyond all of that there's a set of chimes on our porch. it's beautiful, it's ugly and it's still making music.

hello almost new sweater...

so the internet went down today at work for 4 & 1/2 hours. Nothing to do. I mean less nothing to do than there usually is. So I decided to pick all the little green fuzz balls off my sweater.
downside....longest day of my life
upside....just like new sweater

cakes?

so lately i've been noticing this trend with people it seems like i knew at one time or another.

we get older
we get married
they have kids
they take a cake baking course
they post pictures on facebook

so there aren't too many interesting things that come up in my day at work. i need things to keep me ammused. thus resulting in my more frequent facebook activity as well as writting blogs. i get excited when i see someone's posted some new pictures and then i see it. CAKES. i've had enough cakes thanks. where did this whole craze come from? cake decorating?

so here's my plan...

getting older - check
got married - check
have kids - eventually
take a cake baking / decorating course - NO

i don't know what i'll do one day when it comes to getting a hobby but it wont be this.
you bake it - i'll eat it. but i DONT want to look at your pictures!

not too much sense

if i remain positive this wont be so bad?

that question haunts me. if i stay positive it wont be so bad right? i'll look on the bright side of the situation, i'll find a silver lining in the cloud. i'll get more energy? i remember growing up my mom would always say these things to me about how you choose your attitude. you choose your health... if you tell yourself you have a headache you'll get one...if you decided to be upset because of a situation you will be in a bad mood....rather than taking the lying.....well you never know this whole thing could be great perspective.
is it better just to lie to yourself, say you'll get better, say you're in a good mood, say you like your job, you like the weather, you're happy with the way you look...does all this self talk help or distroy?

i think this can really only apply in vague situations. for example... if you've been somewhere before and it was terrible don't try and lie to yourself to get you through. or if someone's been a jerk to you before....hmm maybe it'll be different this time? no it wont and yes your time will suck.

i always wonder why i can't be one of those people who doesn't have a problem with anyone. it amazes me. if it's real i want to know how. but i think my cinicsm adds a nice balance. ok so i know this has now stopped making sense and i'm rambling on...don't worry it'll get better. haha probably not.

so this is the week of the big move. i hate packing my stuff up. i love that i get rid of a lot of stuff i don't need and isn't good for anything but i hate the work that's involved. having to strategize so things don't break is not my specialty. this is my first moved as a married person and now i have twice the amount of stuff and good old mom's not here anymore to pack it all up and make everything cleaner than it was in the beginning. i will get through.

i do love change. i love that my paintings will be in different spots. i love that it's a new slate. now only if i could get off my behind and pack.

"hello i'm calling from Canada"

"hello i'm calling from Canada" - her
"hi" - me
"i am calling from Canada" - her
"you are speaking to Canada" - me
"ok" - her
"i'll transfer you....." - her

so i realize that my last few blogs have all been commenting on work...
here's the thing. i sit in an office, process orders, talk to sales people on msn and the one person who is in my direct office will soon be leaving.
HUMAN CONNECTION. i crave human connection all day.
i never thought i would be in a cubical rather than surrounded by people
here i am and it's not so bad... but i miss human contact.
maybe it's the reason i'm now addicted to blogging and facebook. somehow through these means i feel closer to people while i'm here in my cubical.
say it with me...cubical, florescent lights, dual moniters 8-4:30.
it's good....sounds good hey?


i would have to say that now more than ever i don't need human contact but when i have it i enjoy it. i remember going through this phase when i wanted to hang out with one person or people all the time. it's like if i wasn't with someone at that point was i really being productive? was i still doing something if i was doing it on my own. being along and being able to do things by yourself is a nice skill to master. and it does take some master. i'm sure it comes easier for some than others but for me it took awhile. Now i'm pretty diliberate about who i want to hang out with, if i want to hang out with them and why. it's rather intentional than just being a way to not being alone. Over the last year the friend list has widdled down. it's smaller than ever and i love it. there have been new people added.
ok so i'm realizing at this point this may all seem pretentious and mean but here's the thing.... choose your friends. know why they're your friends, be picky, dont be random and you'll find that they're friends worth keeping.

so i raise my glass...hopefully full of yellow lable Wolfe Blass and say...here's to you friends....for you i really will do anything

if i have to e-mail you ONE more time....

there's that moment you come to when you serisouly feel beyond yourself. you're at what seems to be the end of your rope....nothing will help... communication is a bugger!
so this morning...life is alright. i've got a coffee in hand to try and assist me in what i thought would be a much easier monday to friday than it has been and i'm here. and it starts.
no you didn't
yes you did
you're wrong.
i'm right
i right.
not knowing...changing the idea, the SKU, the product.
20 something + back and forth no real communication e-mails later i'm still not sure if it got figured out.
today it was good i don't know him, i don't know his family, i don't know where he lives or really how to contact him besides e-mail because i'm new and i haven't figured it out that well yet.... what i do know is that if i saw him and there was a bus he could be under it.
the pacing frustration of over and over and over again having the same thing go wrong. now some wording that awhile ago or yesterday seemed innocent is now out for blood!
i fail...it happens. what can you do

today i'm going to get my hair done and this girls not allowed to fail...fail and it's her life pretty much. so we'll see how that goes.

helpers being not so much help

so how often do you need some help and you really can't get any?
i've been stranded too many times in Vancouver, stopped and asked for directions, headed off in the way they told me to go and what happend?! wrong way!
sure technology has advanced at a rapid rate and most people have GPS' on their phones but i'm not quite there yet. i still need the helper to get help
or doctors? the ones who should help haven't helped me in awhile. oh i'm there every few months. i put off all possible issues and reasons to see them until i and the loved ones around me can stand it no more and then what? dr. ....and rest. I'VE BEEN RESTING!.....drink fluids. I'VE BEEN DRINKING!. so you wait. there's not much help there. it pushes my buttons, test my patience. i get no answers. See if they would've just said wait it out.... anyways.

soo...if you're going to help someone...me. don't mock me, bait me, string me along.... tell me the straight story....... i don't know where you're going and you're just gonna have to wait.